Sleep

I cant, I wont. 

'sleep' this voice tells me. 

I cant, I wont. 

I close my eyes. I see fire. I see flames. I see it burning. 

'sleep' ...

I close my eyes. I feel heat. I feel chills. I feel defeated. 

'sleep' .....

I close my eyes. I taste the air of that day. I taste ashes. I taste tears. 

'sleep' .......

I close my eyes. I hear screaming. I hear crying. I hear apologizes.

'sleep' ..........

I cant, I wont. 

'sleep' this voice tells me. 

 I open my eyes. I see nothing. 

I feel nothing.

I taste nothing.

I hear nothing. 

'sleep' this voice tells me.

I can. But I wont.

Kelsey

“Mama mama!” the five-year-old boy Josh shouted with anticipation. In his little blue sweats and a spider man shirt, he runs into the room across the hall. His mother, Bea, was laying peacefully in deep sleep; it was only 6am on a Saturday morning but he didn’t care. Shouting and climbing on the bed, she finally woke.

“What is it hunny?” she spoke softly, with her eyes barely cracked open and head perked up.

“When is she going to be here!?” Josh spills, gripping the blankets until he hears the answer.

“Who? Who’s coming?” Confused and a little irritated that this is the big emergency.

“Kelsey mom! My little sister, the baby” smiling and wide-eyed, jumping on the bed with every word.

“What are you talking about?” Bea says more curious...she wasn’t pregnant and wasn’t planning on it. She hadn’t even talked to Josh about babies yet.

“I had a dream, I had a little sister named Kelsey. She had little blond hair, and she was so fun to play with, when is she coming mom?”

“Oh hunny” she said, padding the space on the bed next to her, implying her him to sit there. She explained that what happens in dreams are only in dreams.

        He leaves her room and returns to his own with his shoulders slumped down, dragging his feet. He didn’t understand the concept of dreams, and still believed he would have his little sister, only now, he kept it to himself. Until one day, Bea feeling unusual and worried went to the doctors where she was informed she was pregnant. She rushed home to tell her fiancé Patrick, the unexpected news had been a joy. They sat together discussing how they would tell Josh; they decided to wait until they went to a few appointments to assure the pregnancy.

        Day by day, week by week, month by month, there conversation had been forgotten somewhere in Bea’s mind, meanwhile Josh played his games by himself, imagining he had someone to play them with. After doctor appointments and ultra sounds, they sat little Joshua down and explained what a baby is. She told him when God thinks a family is ready, he plants a little seed in the mommies tummy and a baby grows, when the baby grows enough, it is born. Instead of asking multiple questions as most children would, he only had one thing to say...

“Kelsey’s coming!?!” He stood up and announced as if it was Christmas morning. Bea and Patrick shared a look of confusion to Joshes abnormal reaction.

“What?” said Bea and Patrick followed with “Who’s Kelsey?” and with the repeat of “Kelsey”, Bea remembered his dream. She sat in amazement for a minute, and then explained to Patrick.

“You told me dreams don’t come true, and I didn’t have a little sister!” Josh says interrupting their conversation.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Patrick says, “We don’t even know the sex yet”

“It’s a girl, and her name is Kelsey” Josh says matter-of-factly. He goes on and on, jumping around the living room saying, “I told you so” and “I’ll teach her everything!”

         Stunned, Bea and Patrick sit watching Josh in amazement.

“How is he gonna wait nine months for her to come?” Bea whispers in Patrick’s ear. He looks at her and smiles with his eyes; the corners of this mouth peeking up as he says, “You said ‘her’” and kissed her forehead.  Five months later, Bea lies on an ultra sound table with Patrick’s hand in hers, as Josh is in Kindergarten.

“Would you like to know the sex?” the lady with the tools asks. Bea says “yes” with a hopeful look and Patrick nods his head in approval.

         Four months later Josh, his mom, and new step dad huddle around their new family member...Josh named her Kelsey Kiana Flynn. His little baby sister he dreamt of. 

Our first kiss

“bye mom, ill be back around seven” I announce as I open the door and allow myself to leave. It only took my two hours to get ready to hangout with him. “where are you” his text reads. My stomach does somersaults when I walk down the stairs that lead me to the open street, knowing I’ll be in his apartment in 5 minutes. I’m getting closer, a few more steps, a few more breaths and I’m standing out side his gate. I pull out my phone and swallow the last of my nerves. I type in ‘Anthony’ and press send. The phone rings once; ‘what are you going to do’ the phone rings twice; ‘will I be boring’ the phone rings three times; ‘shit I should’ve stayed home!’ “hey” his voice suprises me and I suck in my stomach as if I trying to appear 10 times skinnier. All I can say is “I’m here.” We meet each other half way through the parking lot and he greets me with a smile,  and I’m relieved. He walks me to a picnic bench where we stayed sitting across from each other for three hours. No awkward moments, not a minute of silence, and not once did I wish I stayed home. I’m reminded of the time, when my mom texts me ‘you were suppose to be home 20 minutes ago” and I let him know it was time for me to leave. He takes my hand in his and lifts it up to his  soft lips giving it a kiss. Still across from each other he leans over the table gripping my hand, only an inch away from my face I say “is this your way of leaning in?’ and he whispers “you’ll see.” We shared our first kiss, leaving me speechless. he smiles and its contagious. He walks me out to the street and gives me a peck good bye, it occupied my thoughts the rest of the night. I knew it wouldn’t be our last

photograph

His smile is so genuine and natural, the sun reflects off his face and he is swinting at the camera. My little arm is placed gently around his neck and laying across his shoulder. My brother Josh is nine in this photograph and I am four. This picture does not represent our childhood relationship, two years before this picture was captured my dad left my mom. I was only two, therefore I didn't understand the change, but my brother took it to heart. We have different fathers, His was absent most of the time so my dad took that place for him. When my dad left, he wasn't legally able to be Josh's father. My brother felt abandoned and he never fully recovered.

Josh wasn't exactly a social child, he'd hide out in his room and only come out for school. My mom was afraid josh wouldn't make friend so she introduced him to the two little boys next door, hoping they would get along. Instead, she came home from work one day to find Josh tied to a tree in front of the neighbors house. He was crying and couldn't move his arms, she was furious to see rope burns and mosquito bites all over his body, not to mention the little boys laughing through the window. He was only eight, and didn't feel accepted. He never fully recovered.

Although my brother and I were close growing up, everything about us was different. Even in this picture, my hair blonde with sticky knots and his: flawless short and jet black, but I understood him. I remember the first time he had a real friend over, his name was also Josh and he appericated my brother for who he was. They were attached at the hip starting in 3rd grade. I felt left out and he was always annoyed with me so I got my own group of friends and our conversations got shorter and shorter every time we were in each others presence till there was no conversation at all, just two people who share a house together. Until one day he got the news his best friend had been killed in a freak accident riding go cars in 6th grade. Josh never fully recovered.

I stare into the photograph and reminisce seeing his precious smile. It was never fake; he wouldn't show emotion unless he really felt it, such an honest child. We will never be the same again. I'll never see the gray rocks and emerald green water the same; the beautiful trees outlining the far side of the lake that looked so tall then, is now only in a picture frame. The lake is close to empty and the trees don't seem so tall anymore. There is a man swimming in the back round, if it weren't for him I'd believe this picture is prefect. The man facing the direction of the camera is probably envious, we look like the ideal commerical family. Mom propping down on one knee on the other side of the camera, squeezing one eye and looking through the lens with the other, snapping the moment before it changes. We look so pleased with each other if only for that day, our frozen smiles of summer will never fade, at least not in this picture.

Five years after Joshes best friend passed away he started talking again, using his smile on occasion, he attracted another group of friends, people like him: shy, quite, somewhat broken inside. They would hangout at their favorite taco bell after school and he trusted their honesty, and grew to love them as he used to love every one. One day his friend Daniel asked Josh if he wanted to skip a class to go to their favorite spot, Josh being afraid of trouble said no. Less then an hour later Josh was informed Daniel jumped off an overpass bridge and fell to his death. Josh never recovered.

Two years after this tragedy, Zack, Joshes last resource as friends go, was grocery shopping in a populated isle and suddenly dropped to the floor do to an asthma attack that shortly turned into a seizer, strangers surrounded him as he died. The remains of joshes heart died that day too. I don't think he has found a way to get it back. He never fully recovered.

Josh is now 21, he moved to Pacifica to get away from the reality of his nightmares that lye in Citrus Heights. I look back to this picture and pray that ill eventually see his smile again, I can only hope he will recover eventually.

memories

With the slight turn of a knob I'm home. The air is dull as i take a deep breath. My heart sinks further into my chest with each step i take slamming the door behind me. My eyes sting from the stench of cigarettes flouting under the surface of the ceiling. Before i reach the living room i can already sense no one is home. There is something so obvious about emptiness, even when you try to deny it. negative energy enters my body; no note, no text, no phone call, I'm left to sit and wait. I anticipate my mother coming home, i anticipate her soft speech repeating the words i long for, "i missed you, i love you". i anticipate her arms stretching wide around me, coddling me for only a few precious seconds. for once i wish she was the one waiting for me to come home. my mind drifts off into my happy place...

i remember when i was 6 years old; my brother 10. sitting at our dinner table; white and round with a few chips on the edges, it was perfect to me. nagging on our mom to hurry dishing our plates full of spaghetti, when she serves us we playfully toss food across the table at each other. the sound of our giggles echo in my memory. only 3 place mats; our own little family no one could replace. i gobble my food down, to hurry back to my T.V. show. i wish i would've known that wouldn't last forever, i shoulde have embraced it. I wake up from the moment to realize I've been staring at the floor for quit awhile. the memory of my brother surprises me. i saw him so clear, the way his thick black hair swayed to one side, each piece had its own place.

I remember later that very night, sitting directly across from him, only a wooden table separating us. i firmly put down a yugioh card next to the one already placed on the table. with the slight twitch in his smile i knew i had impressed him. my grin so wide and hard to ignore, he had to redeem himself which he did, he won. least did he know i didn't care about the game, i truly won because i found a way to spend time with him. i smirk when i realize how much effort i put into being excepted by my own blood.

in a moment like this i crave company. i crave a friend who understands me, i crave the friendship i had in 8th grade. Sharlie and I sat across the room from each other one day when our teacher separated us.we refused to make eye contact because with just one glance we would laugh uncontrollably. she read my mind with every word i thought. both of us blessed with Gods fingertips tickling us. we were constantly in trouble, finally she screeched :go outside, both of you!" with tears soaking the corners of our eyes we exit the room. once we finally caught our breathe we attempt telling each other whats so funny, but by then we had forgotten. just two happy girls, laughing for no reason other then because we could. remembering this i felt the urge to call her. The fourth ring passed and her phone sent me to voicemail; the tone in her voice had changed; stale and boring, we have grown apart. i hang up when i hear that final "beeeeep". i realize what i had to say wasn't important.

I check the time that seems to be passing slowly. each minute growing a little more anxious. i used to be my mothers every thing; she would call me her one and only beautiful darling. now my name should be switched to "ignore" because that's the button she presses when i call. i must have disappointed her over the years, but she's disappointed me too. i should have saw this coming from the day i sat back in my chair and waiting till the clock hit 6pm; the time my mom would rescue me from daycare. the kids slowly started to disappear. each child running to there mommy or daddy to take them home. The clock hit 6:15 hope rising she'd walk through the door any minute. i inched closer to the window, eventually on the window ceil. blue, white, black ,and silver the cars pass. not one was my mothers. at 7pm i was the last kid there. the adult called everyone on my emergency card, and one lady walked my outside to the curb. when she noticed the tears rolling down my face, she puts her soft hand on the top of my shoulder. "don't worry hunny she'll be here soon" she kept repeating until her words came true. the red truck pulls in and i hop in with out saying a word. what she said next is what i had assumed the whole time "sorry baby, i forgot" my tears came falling the rest of the way, tasting the salt creeping through the corners of my mouth. Now, waiting for her to come home i realize I'm still that young girl weeping for her mother to come to her rescue, tasting the familiar tears, i gaze out the window to find the sun has disappeared into the night... and she never came home. I guess she must have forgotten.

Dear Younger Kelsey

Your only 13 years old, and in the 8th grade. You think you're so cool and take everything for granted, you act like you hate your dad, but over time you will eventually realize its a lot of wasted effort being constantly angry! You will grow to love and appreciate him. Be nice to everyone who comes your way, being mean doesn't make you look tough. the reputation you build for yourself now will follow you, so be yourself! No one else can be. Don't fall in love, at least not yet, its over rated. learn to love yourself! its impossible for someone else to love you, if you don't. BE HAPPY! stop wasting precious time being angry with your life, ITS NOT THAT BAD! enjoy every moment spent with your brother; josh. stay on the soccer team, if you don't you will eventually feel really unhealthy. Oh yeah, and grades don't matter in middle school so fool around and have the time of your life while you can! Never lose sight of what you want, and its okay to put yourself first sometimes, don't be such a people pleaser. It doesn't get you every far and people will just walk all over you. you only get one chance at a first impression so make sure to NOT wear that bandanna on the first day of school. you'll look like an edit. (: other then that, be someone your proud of!! dream, live, inspire<3

                               LOVE, 

                                            The Older Kelsey!

Eyes Wide Open

blurred faces, spinning buildings, the only thing clear is you. So powerful, so unique. I catch your eye and wonder what made you notice me, my smile gives away my feelings. Sitting on the bench looking out on to senior square, you are a sight to be seen, and what am i, just an average human being. You call out my name and wave me over... and that's how this all started, just a simple smile shared between you and me.