memories

With the slight turn of a knob I'm home. The air is dull as i take a deep breath. My heart sinks further into my chest with each step i take slamming the door behind me. My eyes sting from the stench of cigarettes flouting under the surface of the ceiling. Before i reach the living room i can already sense no one is home. There is something so obvious about emptiness, even when you try to deny it. negative energy enters my body; no note, no text, no phone call, I'm left to sit and wait. I anticipate my mother coming home, i anticipate her soft speech repeating the words i long for, "i missed you, i love you". i anticipate her arms stretching wide around me, coddling me for only a few precious seconds. for once i wish she was the one waiting for me to come home. my mind drifts off into my happy place...

i remember when i was 6 years old; my brother 10. sitting at our dinner table; white and round with a few chips on the edges, it was perfect to me. nagging on our mom to hurry dishing our plates full of spaghetti, when she serves us we playfully toss food across the table at each other. the sound of our giggles echo in my memory. only 3 place mats; our own little family no one could replace. i gobble my food down, to hurry back to my T.V. show. i wish i would've known that wouldn't last forever, i shoulde have embraced it. I wake up from the moment to realize I've been staring at the floor for quit awhile. the memory of my brother surprises me. i saw him so clear, the way his thick black hair swayed to one side, each piece had its own place.

I remember later that very night, sitting directly across from him, only a wooden table separating us. i firmly put down a yugioh card next to the one already placed on the table. with the slight twitch in his smile i knew i had impressed him. my grin so wide and hard to ignore, he had to redeem himself which he did, he won. least did he know i didn't care about the game, i truly won because i found a way to spend time with him. i smirk when i realize how much effort i put into being excepted by my own blood.

in a moment like this i crave company. i crave a friend who understands me, i crave the friendship i had in 8th grade. Sharlie and I sat across the room from each other one day when our teacher separated us.we refused to make eye contact because with just one glance we would laugh uncontrollably. she read my mind with every word i thought. both of us blessed with Gods fingertips tickling us. we were constantly in trouble, finally she screeched :go outside, both of you!" with tears soaking the corners of our eyes we exit the room. once we finally caught our breathe we attempt telling each other whats so funny, but by then we had forgotten. just two happy girls, laughing for no reason other then because we could. remembering this i felt the urge to call her. The fourth ring passed and her phone sent me to voicemail; the tone in her voice had changed; stale and boring, we have grown apart. i hang up when i hear that final "beeeeep". i realize what i had to say wasn't important.

I check the time that seems to be passing slowly. each minute growing a little more anxious. i used to be my mothers every thing; she would call me her one and only beautiful darling. now my name should be switched to "ignore" because that's the button she presses when i call. i must have disappointed her over the years, but she's disappointed me too. i should have saw this coming from the day i sat back in my chair and waiting till the clock hit 6pm; the time my mom would rescue me from daycare. the kids slowly started to disappear. each child running to there mommy or daddy to take them home. The clock hit 6:15 hope rising she'd walk through the door any minute. i inched closer to the window, eventually on the window ceil. blue, white, black ,and silver the cars pass. not one was my mothers. at 7pm i was the last kid there. the adult called everyone on my emergency card, and one lady walked my outside to the curb. when she noticed the tears rolling down my face, she puts her soft hand on the top of my shoulder. "don't worry hunny she'll be here soon" she kept repeating until her words came true. the red truck pulls in and i hop in with out saying a word. what she said next is what i had assumed the whole time "sorry baby, i forgot" my tears came falling the rest of the way, tasting the salt creeping through the corners of my mouth. Now, waiting for her to come home i realize I'm still that young girl weeping for her mother to come to her rescue, tasting the familiar tears, i gaze out the window to find the sun has disappeared into the night... and she never came home. I guess she must have forgotten.

Dear Younger Kelsey

Your only 13 years old, and in the 8th grade. You think you're so cool and take everything for granted, you act like you hate your dad, but over time you will eventually realize its a lot of wasted effort being constantly angry! You will grow to love and appreciate him. Be nice to everyone who comes your way, being mean doesn't make you look tough. the reputation you build for yourself now will follow you, so be yourself! No one else can be. Don't fall in love, at least not yet, its over rated. learn to love yourself! its impossible for someone else to love you, if you don't. BE HAPPY! stop wasting precious time being angry with your life, ITS NOT THAT BAD! enjoy every moment spent with your brother; josh. stay on the soccer team, if you don't you will eventually feel really unhealthy. Oh yeah, and grades don't matter in middle school so fool around and have the time of your life while you can! Never lose sight of what you want, and its okay to put yourself first sometimes, don't be such a people pleaser. It doesn't get you every far and people will just walk all over you. you only get one chance at a first impression so make sure to NOT wear that bandanna on the first day of school. you'll look like an edit. (: other then that, be someone your proud of!! dream, live, inspire<3

                               LOVE, 

                                            The Older Kelsey!

Eyes Wide Open

blurred faces, spinning buildings, the only thing clear is you. So powerful, so unique. I catch your eye and wonder what made you notice me, my smile gives away my feelings. Sitting on the bench looking out on to senior square, you are a sight to be seen, and what am i, just an average human being. You call out my name and wave me over... and that's how this all started, just a simple smile shared between you and me.