Friday, October 28, 2011
Our first kiss
“bye mom, ill be back around seven” I announce as I open the door and allow myself to leave. It only took my two hours to get ready to hangout with him. “where are you” his text reads. My stomach does somersaults when I walk down the stairs that lead me to the open street, knowing I’ll be in his apartment in 5 minutes. I’m getting closer, a few more steps, a few more breaths and I’m standing out side his gate. I pull out my phone and swallow the last of my nerves. I type in ‘Anthony’ and press send. The phone rings once; ‘what are you going to do’ the phone rings twice; ‘will I be boring’ the phone rings three times; ‘shit I should’ve stayed home!’ “hey” his voice suprises me and I suck in my stomach as if I trying to appear 10 times skinnier. All I can say is “I’m here.” We meet each other half way through the parking lot and he greets me with a smile, and I’m relieved. He walks me to a picnic bench where we stayed sitting across from each other for three hours. No awkward moments, not a minute of silence, and not once did I wish I stayed home. I’m reminded of the time, when my mom texts me ‘you were suppose to be home 20 minutes ago” and I let him know it was time for me to leave. He takes my hand in his and lifts it up to his soft lips giving it a kiss. Still across from each other he leans over the table gripping my hand, only an inch away from my face I say “is this your way of leaning in?’ and he whispers “you’ll see.” We shared our first kiss, leaving me speechless. he smiles and its contagious. He walks me out to the street and gives me a peck good bye, it occupied my thoughts the rest of the night. I knew it wouldn’t be our last
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Kelsey, I love this story! It's so cute! The nervousness you felt was universal. An improvement would be to describe some parts in more detail, parts like the kiss, how you two spent your time leading up to the kiss.
ReplyDeletevery well written kelsey. Good word choice. Something you can work on would be giving more details.
ReplyDeleteI love your piece. This is precious. The beginning had lots of showing but I think you could either summarize it a little or add more onto the subject. Maybe add a little more on your Mom's feelings, how she said it..
ReplyDelete"My stomach does somersaults" is a cliché. Outside is one word. Make it more apparent at first that you are thinking things. I didn't know at first that it was thoughts and I had to re-read it. Also work on capitalization. But nowwwwwww very cute and I loved it:)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, this was a very cute piece. I love how you lead right in to the story by opening with dialogue. I also love the line, "I’m getting closer, a few more steps, a few more breaths and I’m standing out side his gate." It has a nice poetic flow to it and conveys your nervousness.
ReplyDeleteTo strengthen this piece, you could break it up in to multiple paragraphs. You could also add more "showing" descriptions to convey emotions in excerpts such as, "and I’m relieved," "his voice surprises me," and "We shared our first kiss, leaving me speechless." Cutting out cliches, such as "leaving me speechless" and "my stomach does somersaults", would also make your writing more effective.
Thank you for sharing! :)